Shakesbutt
A Loonies in the Corner™ Production
Joe Turnbull & Chris Hoekstra
Disclaimer: As this is for an English class, utmost
respect for Shakespeare is upheld. The above title is not
included in the aforementioned statement. Thank you.
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Act I
Scene I
Enter Beavis and Butthead, two idiots.
| Act I Scene I | Butthead | |
| Beavis and Butthead waste time | Hark, who goes there? | |
| in a dumpy living room in front | Beavis | |
| of the television. | Tis I, fart-knocker, standing aside your rear portal. | |
| Butthead | ||
| Enter kind friend, and caste thy nighted colour off. | ||
| Beavis | ||
| If it pleases you so, this inky cloak shall be imparted. | ||
| Butthead | ||
| 5 how it hangeth: refers | 5 | So, how it hangeth? |
| to state of male genitalia. | Beavis | |
| Common expression to | So foul and fair a day I have not seen since that | |
| ask how one's day is. | incestuous cow, my mother, fell upon my skull and | |
| smote it | ||
| Butthead | ||
| 9 flickering spirit: TV. | Hark! I am called; my little flickering spirit sits in a | |
| 10 | foggy cloud and beckons me. | |
| Beavis | ||
| Oh foul cloud which issues forth from unknowest | ||
| orifices. | ||
| Butthead | ||
| Onward, freshen thine eyes upon the tube. | ||
| Beavis | ||
| Is this a controller I see before me, its channel | ||
| 15 | buttons toward my hand? I see thee not, yet I hold | |
| thee still. Impart, foul cloud, impart! | ||
| Butthead | ||
| Will you play upon this remote? | ||
| Beavis | ||
| 18 Buttmunch: derogatory | My buttmunch, I cannot. | |
| term likening someone to a | Butthead | |
| buttocks. | I pray you. | |
| Beavis | ||
| 20 | Believe me, I cannot. | |
| Butthead | ||
| I do beseech you. | ||
| Beavis | ||
| 22 Dickweed: term used to | I know no touch of it, dickweed. | |
| liken one to a penile wart | Butthead | |
| Thou shall obey me! | ||
| Beavis | ||
| But my liege, the batteries are slain | ||
| Butthead | ||
| 25 | Elevate thy rump and make haste to the set! | |
| Beavis | ||
| Butthead, Butthead, wherefore art Thou Butthead? | ||
| Butthead | ||
| Mine parents bearest most cruel of characters. | ||
| Beavis | ||
| 29 Cornholio: expresses inability | Peace, break thee off or face the wrath of Cornholio | |
| to break down corn, excreting | 30 | and my wretched bunghole. Make watch upon. Tis a |
| it whole. Corn becomes stuck | trio of chicks. Tis gone! They started like a guilty | |
| in the hole [anus]. | thing at the call of the cock upon fearful summons | |
| 31 Chicks: cute young females. | Saw you the weird sisters? | |
| 32 Cock: rooster. Also, | Butthead | |
| a name for God. There is | Ay, and they were fine and shapely. | |
| also a pun on penis. | Beavis | |
| 35 Cuppith runnith over: term | 35 | Doth my eyes deceive me, or did their cuppith |
| used to describe large breasts. | runnith over? What of their knockers? | |
| 36 Knockers: breasts. | Butthead | |
| Some I see that two-fold spheres and treble sceptres | ||
| carry quite nicely | ||
| Beavis | ||
| What is tis that moves your...highness? | ||
| Butthead | ||
| 40 | I do repent, but heaven hath pleased it so | |
| Beavis | ||
| Avant! Quit my sight. Let the earth hide thee. | ||
| Butthead | ||
| Scorn me not, thou shalt obey me! | ||
| Beavis | ||
| 43 Buttweasel: weasel face | Oh, unshaven buttweasel, how easily you rise to | |
| resembling buttocks. | such thoughts of country matters. | |
| 44 Country matters: original | Butthead | |
| source of four letter expletive | 45 | What a foul mess within I become stuck, |
| to describe female genitalia | all for the thought of a mere...desire. | |
| Beavis | ||
| Thou could have rhymed. | ||
| Butthead | ||
| 48 Nacho: synthetic food | Empty thine lap of nacho, bunghole. | |
| product. | Beavis | |
| 48 Bunghole: anus. | Oh cruel fate which bestows me with such stains of | |
| ill-consumed grub. Out, out damn spot. | ||
| Butthead | ||
| 50 | Words, words, words. Why tis you stand upon me? | |
| Beavis | ||
| 51-52 Ruptured...faculties: | Block not my path! The queer nacho hath ruptured | |
| explosive diarrhea. | my most low of faculties. | |
| Butthead | ||
| Thou offence is rank; it smells to heaven; it hath the | ||
| eldest primal curse upon it. Arm you, I pray, to this | ||
| 55 TP: toilet paper | 55 | speedy voyage. Bring TP for your bunghole. |
| Beavis | ||
| Oh, the pain doth slay my very soul. Adieu! | ||
| [Exeunt Beavis] | ||
| Butthead | ||
| Thou hath my nacho much offended. Ungrateful | ||
| swine. List, list, oh list. It shatters this very massy | ||
| seat upon which I rest to hear his grunts. | ||
| 60 | Never alone does he sigh, but with a general groan. | |
| 61 Ceramic throne: toilet | Listen now to how creaks the ceramic throne. | |
| [Exit] |
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